Running up that hill
by ladyhades
Summary: You can't do everything by yourself. Oneshot. Rei/Usa


**Notes!**

**Dangerous things happen when I get bored apparently. XD Someone should just give me a candy bar and take away my keyboard. Nothing belongs to me, but y'all knew that already. Rei/Usagi plus some Rei/Minako if you squint. Yay? Like it, hate it, drop me a line. **

'Running up that hill'

_-----------------------_

It was beautiful, she decided.

It was like water to a man stranded in the darkest wastelands, it could turn the very apocalypse into nothing more than half muddled dream that you can't quite grasp, and she had seen it disarm even the most worthy adversaries. It was like the first day of spring after a cold lonely winter, when the ice and snow finally thaw and allow the earth to just breathe, growing and flourishing once more. It was like the sun warming chilled bones, waking from a near death experience and sucking air into trembling lungs, renewing limbs and hearing your heartbeat echoing back, steady and strong.

It was worth _dying_ for, and it wasn't even directed at her.

_Just breathe, _she reminds herself dully, squeezing eyes shut that are way too old and way too tired for her age.

Just breathe.

Just out of her reach, _always out of her reach_, Usagi flashes that brilliant smile again and she stands tip-toed to kiss her boyfriend goodbye, a hint of pink on her cheeks as he easily winds an arm around her waist and returns the favor, and it takes everything within Rei to fight off the urge to turn her back and walk away from it all.

It's been like this for years, she should really be used to it by now, but it never fails to sting. Always a fresh cut on top of an already heavy ache. As soon as the future king is gone, there she is, batting impossibly blue eyes up at Rei as she threads an arm through hers.

Rei wished she could hate her. It would be so much simpler, she thinks, as innate chatter begins to pour from those perfectly shaped lips. Their friends laugh around them, and an automatic Rei laughs along, ignoring the pointed look coming from Minako.

Usagi is innocent and naive, with the mannerisms of an impossible child, but underneath lies a heart strong and noble, capable of giving everything within to save them all, and even saving those who never deserved it in the first place. It would be impossible to hate her, so she has to rely on hating herself instead. Even now, as the blonde tightens her hold on her arm, she hates herself for tensing, and she hates herself even more for the wild fluttering in her chest.

Usagi deserved her happiness, her prince, her life. Why couldn't she just let it go and be happy _for _her? Why was it always longing stolen sideways glances and shaking fists till she was sure her palms would bleed?

Just breathe.

The others are gone now, and Rei stands alone on the top of the shrine steps as the sun dips behind the clouds and the world is thrust into twilight. Disconnected. Not of the dark or the light, but the eerie space in between. She wishes she could disappear, away from this, away from here, away from her, but far enough is never far enough. Her very soul belongs to that girl, and even death itself has failed to keep them apart.

"Rei?" Soft, barely there, and uncharacteristic of the bubbly blonde it belongs to.

The dark haired woman lets out a sigh as she pivots to face Minako, and for the briefest of moments in the fading light, the blonde can see the concealed pain buried deep in violet eyes.

"I thought you left with the others."

A nervous flicker of cerulean blue eyes. "I was worried about you."

"I'm fine." Rei states calmly. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Minako fidgets, and Rei suddenly feels far too open and raw. It's not like her to act this way. Usually so brash and outspoken, and now she has trouble even meeting the miko's eyes.

"You know..." she starts, eyebrows furrowing as she struggles to find the right words. "You...you don't have to do this alone."

Rei swallows hard as a knot forms in her chest. "...I don't know what you're talking about."

"I think you do."

"I think you need to leave." the miko states evenly, turning her back on her friend.

"And how long do you plan on doing this?" Minako asks quietly.

"How long are we supposed to live? I forget sometimes." Rei mumbles tiredly.

"Stop torturing yourself!" the blonde cries, and the miko can hear her voice breaking. "I wish you would just let me help you!"

_Just breathe. _

She does the only thing she thinks she _can _do in this situation, and despite the pleas at her back, she walks away.

---------------

"Does it hurt?"

Rei is awake in the faintest sliver of a heartbeat, confused and disoriented in the pitch dark, fingers curling around the edge of her blanket as she pushes herself up and struggles to adjust her eyes on the figure perched on the end of her bed.

"What?" her voice cracks as her heart hammers in her chest relentlessly, and in the dim glow of moonlight streaming through her open window she can make out pale golden locks.

"Does it hurt?"

She recognizes the voice immediately. It only permeates her every waking moment and haunts her dreams, and for the briefest of seconds she's convinced that _it is _a dream until she realizes that the chill in her bones and the rock in her stomach is very real.

"Usagi," Rei breathes, "what are you doing here?"

"I couldn't stand the thought of you being in all that pain."

She tries to speak, tries to deny it, tries to curse Minako, anything, but her mouth opens and closes uselessly, and before she can stop them, years of choked back tears form behind her eyes. Soft arms wind around her and Rei cracks, pressing her face into her princess' shoulder and sobbing openly.

_Just breathe. _

But she can't. The warmth of the arms around her, the delicate scent, the sweet calming murmurs coming from those lips, it's suffocating in the worst way.

"If I only could..." Usagi whispers, and Rei feels her heart stop. There's a quiet maturity in her voice, and it's almost unsettling. They've all grown up in so many ways over the years, and it brings a fresh ache to her heavy heart to hear the blonde speak to her so tenderly.

_..if she could only do what?_

Rei wants to tell her everything, she wants to confess and lay her sins bare, but the thundering in her heart reminds her that no good will come of this, and it will only drop more burden onto the delicate shoulders she's draped herself on.

_And she wants to know if it hurts?_

The wound is deeper than she dares to imagine.

There's a gentle rustling of fabric, and before the guardian can clear her blurry vision and still trembling limbs, the blonde in her arms has shifted, and soft lips press against the soldier's forehead.

"If I could, I would have run here a long time ago."

Re's stomach flutters with something she hasn't felt for years, _hope_, and it suddenly seems as though she's hovering on a razor's edge. "What are you saying?"

"All those times," the blonde murmurs into raven locks, "all those times I just wanted to get a little closer to you, I had no idea I was hurting you so badly."

The soldier feels her body tense once more, and the impact of the dawning realization is a little much for her right now. All this time, all these _years_, when she was suffering in her stony silence, Usagi had been suffering right along with her. God, they had been _breaking_ each other, pushing and pushing until one of them would inevitably crack. It hurt to see the things she had always hated about herself in someone else.

And Minako? She had seen it _coming_.

Those lips are brushing away her tears now, and it's so damn sweet it _burns. _

"I'm sorry." Usagi sighs. "But I..."

"I know." Rei whispers. "I know."

_Don't say it. God, don't say it. I can make it. I know I can, as long as you just don't say it._

Without meaning to, before she can stop herself and grasp the last remaining thread of sanity she has left, the guardian leans forward and captures those trembling lips with her own. It's more than she had ever dreamed it could be, and it makes her heart ache in an entirely new way. It's bittersweet, full of broken promises, and it made her realize that what was, what is, and what should be were going to be forever separated.

_Tell me we both matter._

------------------

Someone once told her that no matter how bleak things looked, it was always better in the morning. For the first time in her life, she agreed. There was something to be said for the fact that she knew she wasn't alone, and hadn't been alone. As she glanced in the mirror and adjusted her miko's robes, the sounds of infectious laughter and pleasant chatter drifted in from the courtyard, and she couldn't help but smile. As she made her way outside, under the warmth of the new day's sun, her friends cheerfully greeted her, but it was bright cornflower blue eyes that caught her attention.

"Good morning, Rei."

A smile tugged at the miko's lips as she acknowleged the princess with a nod. Things had been an illegible mess for so long, but at last she had the chance to sort it all out and begin the process of digging herself out of the pit she had buried herself into. It wasn't perfect, and it would be awhile before the ache vanished completely, but if she had learned anything in the past twenty four hours, it was this.

She wasn't alone.

She took comfort in the fact that this girl would be in her life for a long time to come, and eventually, she could learn to let go. Everyone had to start somewhere, right? She deserved her own happiness too, and to attain it she _had_ to let go.

As the group filed in, she waited until Minako drifted by last, catching the blonde by the elbow.

"About yesterday..."

Minako stiffened, and Rei shook her head.

"I wanted to apologize, and say thank you."

"Work your issues out then?" the blonde asked sweetly.

"I did."

"About time. I was afraid I was going to have to hold an intervention."

Rei laughed, but this time it didn't feel forced or automatic. "It was nice of you, really. Don't get me wrong, at first I wanted to deck you, but now..."

"Everyone needs a little push now and then." Minako stated easily. "If it makes you feel better, she was almost as angry as you were when I called her out on it."

"How did you know?"

"Please. Goddess of love here."

The miko chuckled. "You're a dangerous woman, you know that?"

Minako caught one of Rei's hands in her own and squeezed lightly. "You have no idea."

_...just breathe._


End file.
